Post by JAMA on Feb 20, 2017 4:32:09 GMT
99.999% of the world's population is dead! Civilization has fallen apart! Governments have crumbled. The few remaining living are in hiding and starving to death. There's rape, pillaging, and plunder galore! It's outright pandemonium!!!
There's only one man that can stop this plague and save the human race.... And that man is certainly NOT ME!!!!
BUT HERE'S MY STORY ANYWAY BITCHES!!!!
Zombies are surrounding my house! I'm about to die! I think fast and throw my wife, my kids my dog and my daughter's pet hamster out the window to distract the zombies and to buy me some time!!! Yeah, I'm horrible! So what? That's who lives in this new world. Horrible people.... Duh!
I kick open my front door! Pull down my pants, turn around. Fart blast! Fart blast! Fart blast! Fuck yeah! I just obliterated like 100 zombies! Boooyeah!
More zombies coming at me! Roundhouse kick! Roundhouse kick! Karate chop! 3 ass kicking martial arts moves, 21 zombies down!!!
Now the zombies are coming at me mob style. They DO NOT WANT NONE OF THIS SHIT!!! Kaplow! Kaplow! Kaplow! Fists. Of. Fury!!!! I am fisting brain matter left and right! Blam! Blam! Blam! 87 more zombies down and I still haven't even broken a sweat!
Damnit! I've gotta get to my car. Too many zombies! Not a problem!!! Time to go full agro! Wolverine style!! I lunge into the air flying at the zombies like a rabid animal but I don't have metals claws. I have a raging BONER!!! Boner shiv to the brain, boner shiv to the brain, boner shiv to the brain! 132 zombies boner shived!!!!
I hop in my car! I forgot my keys!!!! Noooooooo!!!! I then repeat everything I just did, but back to my house, then AGAIN back to my car.... again!! 672 zombies, fart blasted, karate chopped, roundhoused, fists of fury'ed and boner shived! Man I'm so awesome!
Then I start my car, which then turns into a monster truck.... BECAUSE I TOLD IT TO BECOME ONE!!!!
I plow through ALL the zombies around my house! Then I look for more!!! But I have to get gas first because monster trucks have shitty gas mileage! Fuck!
While I'm pumping gas, another horde comes at me!!! Gas nozzle + My ass + matches..... LIGHT BULB!!!
BUTT HOLE FLAME THROWER OF DEATH!!!!!!!
OOOHHHHH YEEEEAAAHHHH!!! I am torching the crap out of zombies! What?!?!?!? Fire doesn't KILL zombies. Jama not know this!!!!
I look to the left, then the right, then I look back, then forward, then at a slight angle.... NOTHING! Then I notice that the gas station is near an old age home and all the zombies are old people and their dentures fell out. They can't even bite me!!! LMAO!!! I've already completely destroyed like 12,573 zombies. I'll cut them a break!
So I drive off in my SUPER AWESOME ride, which is now a giant transformer robot.... Because I TOLD IT TO BECOME ONE!!!
We plow through another 28,682 MORE ZOMBIES!!!
Lunchtime!!! My transforming robot wants a name! Oh Jesus! Fine! Your name is Dung Beetle. He likes it??? LOL Perf. Autobots. Roll out!
As I'm plowing through the zombie horde while driving inside of Dung Beetle, we see survivors ALSO fighting the zombies!!!
Do we help them? Should we help them? I ask Dung Beetle, "are any of the female survivors hot?" He says "Booo baaaah" which means "no they are all dudes"!!
Those suckers are ON THEIR OWN!
But then up ahead.... more survivors!!! "Dung Beetle, are the chicks hot?!?!?" He says "Beee booop" That means, 'kind of'. Ugh! "Dung B... brah, homie... Are they at least a Portland 6???" He says "Beeep Beeep Beeep!" Which means 'Yes!' Awesome! I'm saving those babes!
Dung Beetle and I swoop in and kill like, I dunno, 326 zombies just in the power skid alone!!! Then I get out! Kill more zombies with massive head butts! Crack!! Crack!! Crack!! I load all of the chicks in my ride, which is now a sweet party bus!! BECAUSE I TOLD DUNG BEETLE TO DO SO!!! Dudes, you're on your own! Sorry brahs! I then bone a bunch of chicks after I clean off my battle boner!!!
End of story!!!
There's only one man that can stop this plague and save the human race.... And that man is certainly NOT ME!!!!
BUT HERE'S MY STORY ANYWAY BITCHES!!!!
Zombies are surrounding my house! I'm about to die! I think fast and throw my wife, my kids my dog and my daughter's pet hamster out the window to distract the zombies and to buy me some time!!! Yeah, I'm horrible! So what? That's who lives in this new world. Horrible people.... Duh!
I kick open my front door! Pull down my pants, turn around. Fart blast! Fart blast! Fart blast! Fuck yeah! I just obliterated like 100 zombies! Boooyeah!
More zombies coming at me! Roundhouse kick! Roundhouse kick! Karate chop! 3 ass kicking martial arts moves, 21 zombies down!!!
Now the zombies are coming at me mob style. They DO NOT WANT NONE OF THIS SHIT!!! Kaplow! Kaplow! Kaplow! Fists. Of. Fury!!!! I am fisting brain matter left and right! Blam! Blam! Blam! 87 more zombies down and I still haven't even broken a sweat!
Damnit! I've gotta get to my car. Too many zombies! Not a problem!!! Time to go full agro! Wolverine style!! I lunge into the air flying at the zombies like a rabid animal but I don't have metals claws. I have a raging BONER!!! Boner shiv to the brain, boner shiv to the brain, boner shiv to the brain! 132 zombies boner shived!!!!
I hop in my car! I forgot my keys!!!! Noooooooo!!!! I then repeat everything I just did, but back to my house, then AGAIN back to my car.... again!! 672 zombies, fart blasted, karate chopped, roundhoused, fists of fury'ed and boner shived! Man I'm so awesome!
Then I start my car, which then turns into a monster truck.... BECAUSE I TOLD IT TO BECOME ONE!!!!
I plow through ALL the zombies around my house! Then I look for more!!! But I have to get gas first because monster trucks have shitty gas mileage! Fuck!
While I'm pumping gas, another horde comes at me!!! Gas nozzle + My ass + matches..... LIGHT BULB!!!
BUTT HOLE FLAME THROWER OF DEATH!!!!!!!
OOOHHHHH YEEEEAAAHHHH!!! I am torching the crap out of zombies! What?!?!?!? Fire doesn't KILL zombies. Jama not know this!!!!
I look to the left, then the right, then I look back, then forward, then at a slight angle.... NOTHING! Then I notice that the gas station is near an old age home and all the zombies are old people and their dentures fell out. They can't even bite me!!! LMAO!!! I've already completely destroyed like 12,573 zombies. I'll cut them a break!
So I drive off in my SUPER AWESOME ride, which is now a giant transformer robot.... Because I TOLD IT TO BECOME ONE!!!
We plow through another 28,682 MORE ZOMBIES!!!
Lunchtime!!! My transforming robot wants a name! Oh Jesus! Fine! Your name is Dung Beetle. He likes it??? LOL Perf. Autobots. Roll out!
As I'm plowing through the zombie horde while driving inside of Dung Beetle, we see survivors ALSO fighting the zombies!!!
Do we help them? Should we help them? I ask Dung Beetle, "are any of the female survivors hot?" He says "Booo baaaah" which means "no they are all dudes"!!
Those suckers are ON THEIR OWN!
But then up ahead.... more survivors!!! "Dung Beetle, are the chicks hot?!?!?" He says "Beee booop" That means, 'kind of'. Ugh! "Dung B... brah, homie... Are they at least a Portland 6???" He says "Beeep Beeep Beeep!" Which means 'Yes!' Awesome! I'm saving those babes!
Dung Beetle and I swoop in and kill like, I dunno, 326 zombies just in the power skid alone!!! Then I get out! Kill more zombies with massive head butts! Crack!! Crack!! Crack!! I load all of the chicks in my ride, which is now a sweet party bus!! BECAUSE I TOLD DUNG BEETLE TO DO SO!!! Dudes, you're on your own! Sorry brahs! I then bone a bunch of chicks after I clean off my battle boner!!!
End of story!!!
fart blast activate!
